Talk:Tricycle/@comment-25618483-20141106205929
This could use some work. The grammar and sentence structure makes it a bit hard to read at times. It is very cliche in the use of a demonic child into things seemingly occult. The cliche is not helped by the hause becoming haunted, and an item being curse all in a single story. Some of my issues are as follows: The Tricycle - "The intimidating tricycle" why was it intimidating? They never felt that way about it when they saw it in the window of the store. They just mentioned there was always one there for sale. You said people went back to ask the shop if the tricycle was cursed. That little part was just added in at the end of a sentence and it just takes away from the story so much IMO. No one is going to immediately go and ask if an item is cursed. It is actually very probable that a child be hit by a car and be killed from impact and the toy they were playing with or riding on come out unscathed. There was a note that said "bye" who wrote it? The tricycle? I understand where you are going with that part, but it seems to far fetched. After this the tricycle also causes no harm to anyone else, pointing more towards it being a regular old tricycle, instead of a three wheeled cursed contraption. Shadowy Figures - After the introduction there is no further mention of these figures. The way it is written it somehwat implys there may be ghosts or demons trying to hide in these stores. If this is not what you mean a better way to put it may be "In the dark of night, shadows hid behind their merchandise, as if some ominous force lay watching just out of sight of the storefront window" If these shadowy figures are indeed ghosts, that needs to be included, if the shadowy figures are just supoosed to give you the feeling that "you saw something move" then that needs to be included. As it stands now you mention figures and how they hid yet nobody was there. You leave this completely open, do our eyes play tricks on us or there a more sinister force at work in these shops. The Shop- you call this an unoffical shop, which I assume you mean it was not part of a chain or franchise. it is a small independently owned shop. and it is crooked. I assume by crooked you mean the building is leaning or in disrepair. I think it would work better to call it a junk store or a second hand shop, or a consignment shop. "at the corner sat a second hand shop that seemed as old as the town itself. The building hunched over in the same manner of the elderly store clerk. In the storefront window sat the apple of many a small child's eye, a tricycle, albeit an old one, it was a tricycle nonetheless." or something like that, it lets us know it is not a Walgreens, or a Walmart, and that they are going to have old or possibly weird merchandise in the store. When you go back to the shop it is destroyed with all of the merchandise thrown all around the room, and the store clerk dead under a pile of rubble, and then you turn right around and say the clerk is the one that destroyed the store. If the clerk is under ALL of the rubble how did "he destroy the store" I do think this story has some potential, and i have other issues with it besides the ones I listed above, but I do think it needs a lot of work. If the tricycle is cursed, then maybe the girl is socially awkward or has some sort of issue besides being rather demonic. She stays at home because she is always very sick, and going outside is a great healthrisk to her. maybe she still rips hair or arms off of dolls but not because she is evil because she is not well adjusted socially due to limited interation with the outside world. If you want cursed item, haunted house, and evil child, just pick 1 or 2 not all three. Anyway make some improvements and you will have a great pasta.